Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Hot or Not

There are some things that I don't like about being a girl, and that is the tendency to attach emotion to inocuous information. Most of the time I'm pretty good about that, but sometimes when I'm feeling less secure about myself things get blown up in my head that shouldn't. I recently went on Weight Watchers (again) and the initial weigh-in numbers were enough to cause me to hurl myself out of the sixth-story window where we have our meeting. Of course when I went to weigh in, the scale just shut itself off as I was approaching. When the sweet little retired school teacher who was supposed to weigh me wondered aloud about the inopportune shut-off, I assured her that it was because the scale saw me coming and powered-down in protest. The good news is that I have now lost 5.6 pounds with Thanksgiving all in the middle of that, so that's good.

What started the shame spiral was a very, VERY harmless comment made by a very kind person who had no idea that I'm a wreck. He made a comment about another person's girlfriend and that he would need to stay away from her because she's hot. What happens in my head - "Clearly, I'm not hot," I say. I know. I know. Normally, I don't care, but for some reason, I was in that place. I've never thought of myself as particularly "hot" and really never aspired to be so. Just had a moment. Turns out, he thinks I'm totally hot. Well played, sir.

In general, I do not respond well to hearing about my shortcomings. I'm so acutely aware of them that when someone else tells me that my flaws are showing I want to curl up and die. Case in point, I had a little family drama this weekend. Apparently, I wasn't as well behaved as I'd hoped over Thanksgiving and I heard about it from the parents. Some of what they said was fair, but some was completely unfounded and I was pretty furious. I had a good talk with my brother and then later with my mom, and we got things ironed out, but I was pretty much a wreck. I cried all morning on Monday, resulting in a very puffy afternoon.

Also just preached a sermon on inner peace and the importance of being anchored at the center. Yes - that was me. I don't know why they let me get up there and say that stuff.


Reyes-Chow said...

I know you know already, but you are really valued for the whole you AND your willingness to just put yo'self right on out there! Thanks!

Too funny that the verification code on this comment is "cfoolt" LOL!

katherine louise said...

i just tuned in to your blog after a long pause. this was the first post i read. and i would just like to say: I HAVE SO BEEN THERE. and we ALL do that in some way or another. and YOU'RE TOTALLY HOT.
thanks for sharing.
you are incredible and smart and spiritual and witty and gorgeous and passionate and everything i aspire to be. AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT.

LadyBurg said...

I resonate with this post. I also know the puffy afternoons. Why is it so hard to take critique, even when I know I need it and ultimately want to be better person. I just hate it.

I feel that way after I preach sometimes too. I have no idea why they let me get up there and open my mouth. :)

Evelyn said...

You are "let" because you both are freaking awesome. Well, at least pretty darn good all around peoples! LB, so bummed that you are not a commissioner. Would have been even more fun!

Reyes-Chow said...

BTW, Evelyn was using my computer last so I was unknowingly signed in as an 11-year-old. No comments ;-)