OK - so the last post was a bit angry. I was venting on behalf of friends who have been hurt and also re-living some of my own hurt at the hands of those who use their powers for evil. In the interest of equality, I will point the spotlight on to my own shortcomings, and believe me, they are legion.
I was meeting with my Spiritual Director, Maggie, a week or two ago, and she said a couple of things that challenged me. Just because I pay her to do it, doesn't mean I like it. The first thing she asked me was, "Do you love people?" Of course, my answer was no. Who does? Kidding. A little. I first asked her what she meant by that, because "love" is a robust word. Love. I don't know. I have compassion for, I listen to, I help, I encourage, I challenge. Do I love?
The second thing was that she thinks I need to get over a lot of hurt. Duh. Who doesn't? I have been pondering that and the specific situations to which she was referring and have done some praying and processing, and those loads are definitely lighter. I tend to hold on to things way too long and I know that I have some stuff to work out before I get into pastoral ministry, not that I'll ever be perfect on that. But, I do have some time, what with the care process and then having to somehow finish my MDiv in all of this.
What a process all of this is - this "life" & "call" thing. Sometimes it seems to have no point, and sometimes it couldn't be more relevant. I walk around most of the time balancing on the fine line between recognizing and being grateful for my gifts and feeling wholly inadequate. An obvious human condition, to be sure, but not one that's easy to acknowledge. I'd love to have it all together, and, more importantly have people think I have it all together, but I don't. There it is. Do we have to hug now?