Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Flashes of Regret

I'm not a past-dweller. I'm a future-looker. This sometimes keeps me from being a present-sitter, but that's another post. While I don't tend to necessarily look back at the past, I was thinking today about the younger me and all the things I didn't do because I was afraid. I didn't apply to schools I wanted to because I didn't think I'd get in. I didn't declare a music major right away because I didn't think I was good enough. I didn't try very hard in school. I didn't make decisions easily. On the one hand it's made my life somewhat meandering, but interesting, fun and enjoyable. Today I was tempted to wish I'd made different choices and had more of a direct trajectory, but one could argue that I wouldn't be where I am had I done that, and I do really like where I am. It's one of those times where I'm really working with the tension of free will and the sovereignty of God. Some would call the belief in the sovereignty of God a cop out for adult decision-making. I think to rely on guidance from the God of the Universe who sees the big picture is really the wisest way to go. I could have done more or done what I did better, met different people, lived in a different place, etc., but that would mean I wouldn't have now.

On the other hand, some of the things I avoided out of fear were smart. I didn't get married young. I didn't skip out on college. I didn't do drugs. I didn't commit any felonies (that came later).

I guess what I'm saying is that I wish I'd done some things differently, but I'm happy with now, so never mind. Forget the whole thing. Resume normal activity.

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